A new research paper casts serious doubt on the integrity of scientists who have said that climate change and global warming are caused by human activity. The report “A Lot of Hot Air” has been jointly published by the British Oil and Gas Offshore Federation (BOGOFF) and the US based National Oil, Nuclear and Coal Endowment (NONCE) and says that climate change is merely a “reaction to a prolonged ice age ten thousand years ago” with NONCE chairman Senator Orson B PlumeBoosby III (Texas, R) telling reporters in Houston “this data will show once and for all that the filthy unwashed beardie weirdies who have been promoting climate change and a shift to so called sustainable power are just fraudsters and shylocks, who are bringing this great nation of ours to it’s knees. Burning fossil fuels is they way forward. Clearly wave, wind and solar power are not responsible economic solutions to the current financial crisis in the United States of America and those who promote them will now face the wrath of God and the full force of the law”. In the United Kingdom, BOGOFF executive director Lord Rupert Vainbottom told the House of Lords “We now have clear, unequivocal evidence that there is no such thing as global warming, no such thing as climate change and no need to any other sources of energy. My members and our colleagues in the world of global oil, gas and coal extraction can provide a sustainable future for this great country and indeed the World, provided we are given the firepower and military back up to make strategic interventions in certain developing nations where foreigners are currently not playing ball and we can suppress so called green activism in the UK, by force if necessary”.
The new research was based on the legendary Groundhog Day celebrations held in the USA every year on February 2nd, also known as Candlemas or Lichtmesse Day. The most famous Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and researchers used data collected over more than one hundred and seventy years to show that there has been no change in the date at which the famous groundhog (Marmota Mamox) emerges from its winter slumber. It is a well established scientific fact that when the groundhog emerges from its burrow on this day, then spring will come early. If it is sunny, the groundhog will (supposedly) see its shadow and retreat back into its burrow, and the winter weather will continue for six more weeks. Researchers also pointed to the ancient Scottish rune “If Candlemas Day is bright and clear, there’ll be two winters in the year” as further evidence and also asserted that the widespread practice was based on ancient Celtic weather lore where a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator (as opposed to a groundhog) in pagan customs. Similar acknowledged and recognised practices include Serbia’s Sretenje celebration, Siebenschläfertag in Germany and Marmot Day in Alaska, all according to the report, establishing “firm additional base support” for this “Worldwide scientific study”. The University of Dallas in Irving, Texas, has taken Groundhog Day as its official university holiday and organizes a large-scale celebration every year in honour of the Groundhog.
The report’s chief author, Professor Ben Challis told reporters on Friday “if there was such a thing as global warming then clearly we would expect to see evidence of earlier burrow emergence from members of the Sciuridae family – but none has been found since 1841 and to be frank none will be found. There is no global warming and no climate change. It’s all bunkum, stuff and nonsense. Well respected groundhogs including Chattanooga Chuck, Dover Doug, French Creek Freddie, Poor Richard, Octoraro Orphie, Punxsutawney Phil, Jimmy the Groundhog and Nibbles cannot be doubted” with Challis adding adding “climate change is a load of hot air”.
When AGreenerFestival contacted Professor Challis for comment, we were told he was otherwise detained “on a sunshine cruise in Alaska” with “the happy people”. A Lot of Hot Air has currently been withdrawn from publication pending ‘scientific clarification of evidence’ after it emerged that according to the StormFax Weather Almanac and records kept since 1887, Punxsutawney Phil’s weather predictions have been correct only 39% of the time. Senator Plumeboosby is currently in custody awaiting trial on unspecified child trafficking charges. We were told that Viscount Vainbottom was “a little tied up” when we called his assistant, a certain Mistress Felatio Whiplash. For those of you who need a date check, today is April 1st.
All characters and organisations appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And alarming.