OSWALD’S GIANT GROWTH LEAVES THE LADIES GASPING

OSWALD GRIMETHORPE

Oswald Grimethorpe

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Mr Grimethorpe’s  marrow

A Wigan pensioner has been left ‘shocked’ and outraged’ after his win in the Wigan Rotarian Annual Flower and Vegetable Show was reported in the local press with a huge dose of  ‘smut and innuendo’. Oswald Grimthorpe, a retired boilermaker, said he was furious after reports that his giant marrow had won the ‘biggest growth’ category (marrows, courgettes, pumpkins and squashes) were captioned with headlines such as ‘Oswald still has a whopper’ and ‘Grimethorpe unveils his growth for the ladies’ in various local newspapers. The Wigan & District Herald ran their article under the strapline ‘Pensioner rears enormous fleshy growth to impress  his audience’ – a comment Mr Grimethorpe said ‘reeked of smut and innuendo.

Mr Grimethorpe, of 33 Colliery Road,  Ince in Makerfield, said his life had been ‘left in tatters’ after the the win. He told reporters ‘I was at Wigan Wallgate Station yesterday when a young lady and her friends, all may I say unknown to me, approached me and asked if she could ‘measure my marrow’. One of her friends said she fancied ‘a look at my courgette and any plums I might have to hand’. ” This is OUTRAGEOUS.

Mr Grimethorpe has said he did not personally enter the Marrow or indeed any of his vegetables, and this was done by his ‘idiotic’ nephew, who he now claims labelled the winning entry as ‘Oswalds’s whopper’ which has prompted the press melee. Young nephew Ben (who could not be reached for comment) had also entered a plate of courgettes under the entry name ‘Oswald’s super sized veg’ and a stick of asparagus under the entry of ‘Grimethorpe’s spear’. Mr Grimethorpe added that the labelling of his jar of gherkins and a pair of prize walnuts ‘could not be repeated in a family newspaper.

Mr Grimethorpe won a £5 voucher for ‘Cyndi’s Private Massage Service’ for his best in show victory (vegetables). He added that his prize tulip had wilted so he had not been able to enter the flower competition, leaving a  red hot poker the stand out winner.  Other winners at the show, held on Saturday at the St Mary Mead Parish Hall on Digben street, included  Mr Makefield’s enormous cucumber which won ‘the most impressive’ crop category, and Mum of eleven Mrs Markham who won the ‘bun in the oven’ prize.

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